True story: a man approached his pastor (who will remain anonymous) with a theological question. What does it mean, he asked, when we say in the Apostles’ Creed that Jesus “descended into hell?” The pastor, in all of his wisdom, explained that when the Creed says “hell” it means that Jesus went to the realm of the dead. After all, he pointed out, Jesus could not have gone literally into hell because good and bad cannot exist in the same place at the same time. To which the man replied, “I can tell, Father, that you have never been married.” Today the Church asks us to remember the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph as a model and inspiration for our own families. Politicians in our day hold up as the highest ideal “family values.” And certainly family is something we cherish. However, we should not romanticize what it means to be family. Yes, family is the place where we feel love and acceptance. But, family is also the place where we experience some of our deepest wounds. Yes, when a member of the family succeeds we feel a burst of pride. But, family is also where they still call you your childhood name of Binky even though you are president of your firm. Yes, we know that we always have a place in the family. But, some members of the family make demands on us that we feel unable to respond to. As wonderful as it is being part of a family, we need to be honest and accept that family is a mixed bag. AND, this is not simply because our families are a mess. Even the Holy Family experienced the ups and downs of being a family. Mary and Joseph were amazed, the gospel says, at all the wonderful things that were said about Jesus. But Mary was told that as a mother her heart “a sword will pierce” because of her sorrows. The child grew and became strong, we are told. But when he was a teenager he ran away from his parents to spend time in the temple. So, yes, good and bad can exist in the same place and we call that family.
The fact that we are celebrating this day as a commemoration of the Holy Family is a reminder that being a family is not simply a social thing to do, an economic arrangement, a public benefit. Rather, family has a spiritual and religious dimension as well. Being family, after all, reflects the dynamic life of God that we call Trinity. When we say God is the Trinity we mean that God being God is the giving and taking of love that overflows outwards into creation. In a similar way, a family is the giving and taking of love that overflows in new life. But as in all of the spiritual life the Godly life in the family is not a given, does not happen automatically. We have to work at it. We have to “put on” a life of virtue as St. Paul says in his letter to the Colossians. Since this is New Year’s Eve, a day when it is traditional to make resolutions about what we intend to do this next year, let’s turn to the scriptures for some suggestions on what we might do to improve our family life for next year. Certainly you can resolve to eat less and exercise more (always a good thing to resolve) but there are also some concrete steps we can resolve to make our family a holy family.
First of all, “be thankful.” St. Paul says it three times in the short passage: “sing songs with gratitude.” “Whatever you do given thanks to God the Father.” There is so much we have to be grateful for in our families. Certainly they are not perfect, but give thanks for who they are. There is a Polish custom we used to practice in my home growing up of sharing the “oplatki.” This was a small wafer of unleavened bread, something like the communion wafer, that we would pass around the table. Everyone would break off a piece and say what they were giving thanks for as we ended the year. Your family might have a similar custom or might want to establish a new custom. As the year is ending spend some time with your family and give thanks for blessings received – and just for the fact that you have these people woven into your life to help you to know who you are.
Second, St. Paul also stresses three times the importance of forgiveness if we are to become a holy family, “bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.” All of which is to say, whenever you have two people rubbing against each other you have the giving and the taking of wounds. Those wounds can sit and fester and drive us apart. OR, we can heed the admonition of the Apostle and be willing to give and receive forgiveness. No doubt the teen-aged Jesus himself had to say he was sorry when he distressed his parents so much when he visited the elders in the temple. Forgiveness greases the wheel of family life.
Finally, although St. Paul doesn’t mention it explicitly (although he does imply it using in referring to the importance of “kindness, humility and gentleness,”) we should never underestimate the importance of using the magic word, “please.” Now I don’t want all you young people to think it odd but when I was a kid we would play a game called “Mother, may I.” One of us would be the “mother” and the rest would line up facing her at some distance. The “mother” would pick one of us and say, Johnny, you can take three baby steps. And Johnny would answer, “Mother, may I?” And she would respond, “Yes, you may.” And you would take your three baby steps. BUT, if you starting taking your steps without saying “Mother, may I?” you would have to take three steps backwards. The point of the game was to learn the importance of saying “may I,” or “please” or “would you mind.” While they might seem to be simple courtesies they are in fact the way we demonstrate respect and care for one another. And how important is that in being family!
So as we begin this new year let us resolve to do the work necessary of building up family life using these or other ideas of your own. The son of God thought it important to share life in a family. As family we bring together the human and the divine right into our homes.
